No More Mr. Nice Guy with Dr. Robert Glover
Why are we not getting our needs met when we seem to be going out of our way for everyone? Dr. Robert Glover talks to us today about Nice Guy Syndrome and why it’s actually not so nice for you and for those around you. This show will change everything you thought you knew about being Mr. Nice Guy.
Dr. Robert Glover
Dr. Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan For Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life.
Dr. Glover is an internationally recognized authority on the Nice Guy Syndrome. He is a frequent guest on radio talk shows and has been featured in numerous local and national publications.
Through his book, online classes, workshops, podcasts, blogs, consultation, and therapy groups, Dr. Glover has helped change the lives of countless men and women around the world.
As a result of his work, Dr. Glover has helped thousands of Nice Guys transform from being passive, resentful victims to empowered, integrated males. Along with these personal changes have come similar transformations in these men’s professional careers and intimate relationships.
Nice Guy Syndrome
Dr. Glover started discovering the dynamic of Nice Guy Syndrome in his thirties. He was in an unhappy marriage and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He was doing everything to try to make his wife happy and avoid conflict. Somehow, no matter what he did it was never good enough. She was moody and had lost all interest in sex. Dr. Glover was bewildered why being a nice guy wasn’t working.
The problem was that being a nice guy on the outside made him hold in his frustrations. He became resentful and passive aggressive. His wife actually told him she’d rather be with an outright asshole than to be with him. He wanted to stay married so he went to support groups and therapy and began to understand what had happened to him.
A key piece to the development of Dr. Glover’s Nice Guy Syndrome was his childhood. He and his father were close and spent lots of time together, but there was one problem–his father was extremely moody. He would get angry for no reason and stay that way for weeks. Dr. Glover was determined not to be like his dad. He wanted to be different from all the jerks that women complained about. He would be the nice guy and women would desire him because of that.
Core of Nice Guy Syndrome
Nice guys live by three covert contracts. The problem is, no one knows they are operating by these unspoken rules.
- If I’m a good guy, I will be liked and loved (and women will desire me).
- If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, they will meet my needs without me having to ask.
- If I do everything right, I’ll have a smooth problem free life.
When nice guys don’t get the results they hoped for, they don’t give up. They tend to double-down and try harder. That’s when they need to look outside for help.
Some Nice Guy Traits
- seek the approval of others.
- hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.
- put other people’s needs and wants before their own.
- sacrifice their personal power and play the role of a victim.
- tend to be disconnected from other men and from their own masculine energy.
How to Reclaim Your Personal Power
- Don’t try to do it alone.
- Don’t try to do it with your intimate partner.
- Find a safe person or safe place (friend, therapist, coach, mentor, support group).
- Practice talking about things you’ve hidden about yourself.
- Keep connected with a tribe.
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I just wanted to let you know how painful, albeit illuminating, it was to listen to your interview with Dr. Glover. I have since purchased his book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, and have been moved (more like shaken) by his analysis. His book pretty much describes my experience, and most of what he has to offer resonates with me, hauntingly. I am a recently-divorced single Dad of two amazing girls. Reading Dr. Glover’s book, I am beginning to understand how my Nice Guy Syndrome played a role in the dissolution of my marriage. And even though there were serious character and respect issues with my ex-wife which undermined the health of our relationship, I now realize that my seemingly-innocent desire to be the best guy in the world created a friction of its own.
Moving forward, I wonder if it might be possible to have Dr. Glover return to your show to discuss strategies for getting over the deep, visceral feelings of pain and regret, upon realizing the toxicity of the Nice Guy Syndrome and its tragic consequences, after the marriage (and, sadly, the friendship) has disintegrated. I have struggled personally, for the past two years, and while this new “realization” is helpful, I am left with the questions, “OK, what now?”. “How do I start again?”, and “Why do I feel so empty?”.
Thanks for all that you do. Please keep up the great shows – we are all better for it. SISU!!!